The last few weeks have been an angergasm feast for right wing men who are whipping themselves up over a movie about a girl’s doll. Are they right? Is Barbie part of a conspiracy to make their lifes pink? The murky world of Barbie conspiracy – #BarbieQ
Most adults really couldn’t give two hoots about a movie based on the Barbie doll. Unless you have a daughter aged somewhere between 5 and 11 you would not normally pay any attention to this film, or if you are a right wing obsessive who has run out of things to get angry about. Are people right to dismiss this as a pink fest, or is there something more sinister going on?
We have previously featured a few right wing experts, Barbie the movie, the end of civilization as we know it, and now more are emerging to sound warnings. Is it more than just American right wing men feeling fragile about their masculinity? We did no investigation at all and made up the following.
Ben Shapiro who fancies himself as a doll expert has been highlighting the Barbie based conspiracies, however we think he and others have missed the real Barbie conspiracy (#BarbieQ).
Threat to male genitals
Anyone who has studied a Ken doll (Ben Shapiro won’t admit he has played with a Ken doll but just look at him. He has), will notice that Ken has no genitals. This is obviously due to an overexposure to Barbie. Too much Barbie will make male genitals fall off. This effect is more severe with boys whose penises are not as firmly attached as men’s. This is why boys must not see this movie. Men are less likely to be affected, however they are advised to firmly hold their penis in place while watching it just to be on the safe side. However, they must hold it in place without any movement otherwise that could lead to something else resulting in blindness. There is evidence from Mom’s for Stupidity that gay men who get exposed to Barbie become trans.
Threat to female genitals
As Ben and his ilk know, Barbie dolls don’t have any genital detail. However, as they don’t know what naked women look like they are reserving judgement on whether Barbie has a similar affect on women. However, as they have no interest in the effects on women of Barbie they are in no rush.
Turning boys trans
The Barbie film contains a trans character who is not a hate filled monster intent on mass shootings and cutting men’s penises off. This is obviously an unrealistic portrayal of a trans person. Even worse
Affects of Ken on child development
As everyone knows Ken has the IQ of mayonnaise. If your boy watches this he too could have the IQ of mayonnaise. This would make him the smartest person in the family. We all know what being smart leads. Dangerous ideas.
Dangerous ideas
Ben Shapiro has done some in-depth investigation and found that his belly button creates fluff. He also counted how many times the word patriarchy was mentioned in the film and was disturbed. Partly because he didn’t know how to spell it or what it meant.
He also didn’t understand why there was such a word. Perhaps if he had been brought up in a country that didn’t allow women to have a credit card in their own name before 1974, serve on juries in all states until 1973, take legal action against workplace sexual harassment until 1977, decide not to have sex if their husband wanted to until 1993, get health insurance at the same monetary rate as a man until 2020 (fact checks) he would understand. However the fact that women talk about living in a patriarchal society when far right men want to control them is a very dangerous idea.
Another dangerous idea that this movie promotes is the idea that a woman, even a plastic one, could decide for herself to go on an adventure without getting permission from a man. Also, she is not married with children so an inappropriate role model for any child.
Fighting back
Make America Gullible Again have come up with a plan to create their own doll. Marjorie. It is bitter, comes with book burning accessories, has a voice box that comes out with drivel when the cord is pulled and hates itself and all other women. It even has a tee-shirt saying “I don’t care if Trump is in prison I’ll still vote for him because he told me to”.