Eli Twonk – The Daily Twerk

Horizontal bar chart of the party vote results in the Holborn and St Pancras election on 8th October 2026. Labour won with 42% of votes

Tories declare by-election success

The Holborn and St Pancras results gave the Tory party a much needed boost as they had predicted electoral oblivion at the hands of Reform UK Ltd.

By Eli Twonk

October 9, 2026October 9, 2026

Saltwater crocodile in shallow water — Pixnio | https://pixnio.com/fauna-animals/reptiles-and-amphibians/alligators-and-crocodiles-pictures/saltwater-crocodile

Sport

Rowing world records set to be broken at 2032 Olympics

With TV audiences waning the Brisbane Olympics will provide exciting spectacles including rowing events on the crocodile infested Fitzroy River.

By Eli Twonk

September 22, 2026September 22, 2026

A long corridor with plastered walls and a few ceiling panels missing. Various building materials and buckets on the floor. Text - NHS announce ambitious corridor building programme to tackle capacity issues.

General

Programme announced to boost hospital capacity by creating more corridors

NHS bosses welcome innovative solution to the problem of all the corridors being full of patients on trollies.

By Eli Twonk

May 19, 2026May 19, 2026

Images of Zack Polanski and the the Mango shit gibbon with the text: breaking news. Surprise as Polanski calls for environment award for Donald Trump — Both images ia Creative Commons. Polanski - Creative Commons Attribution 3.0. Trump - Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license

Politics

Polanski’s unexpected praise for Trump

Green leader calls for award to recognise US leader’s extraordinary contribution to reducing fossil fuel usage.

By Eli Twonk

March 26, 2026March 26, 2026

A large crate of Cadbury's chocolate eggs

Life Style

This week we are mostly shouting at chocolate eggs

Outrage as Easter is cancelled. Flag waving hordes yell at displays of chocolate eggs. Flag shaggers are incandescent.

By Eli Twonk

March 24, 2026March 24, 2026

Nigel Farage looking angry while holding a sign saying "stop the woke notes" There is a light blue background with a picture of a five pound note featuring Winston Churchill in the top left corner

General

Farage slams more Green wokery

Frog-faced fascist slams open public consultation over redesign of bank notes. Greens blamed for cancelling Churchill.

By Eli Twonk

March 14, 2026March 14, 2026

Distant view of black smoke rising from a building - the Qeshm desalination facility in Iran.

Iran War

WMD neutralised in Iran – the world can rest easy

In a decisive attack a Weapon of Mass Desalination has been destroyed in Iran. The region is no longer threatened by the horror of fresh water.

By Eli Twonk

March 9, 2026March 9, 2026

Matt Goodwin standing at a lectern with the text - Gorton & Denton needs reform. Background is a light blue poster with the text Britain needs Reform — Facebook | Matt Goodwin

Politics

Reform declare Matt Goodwin Shadow MP

With stoic good grace Farage accepted the by-election defeat and declared Matt Goodwin to be the Shadow MP for Gorton and Denton.

By Eli Twonk

February 28, 2026February 28, 2026

Mona Lisa painting on gallery wall with large crowd of people in the foreground taking photos of it on mobile phones. — Photo by Sena Aykut : https://www.pexels.com/photo/crowd-admiring-mona-lisa-at-the-louvre-museum-35547529/

Life Style

Art lover captures intimate moment with a sh*tty photo

Visitor to the Louvre has intimate moment with the Mona Lisa and only 98 other people. She captures the moment for posterity.

By Eli Twonk

January 31, 2026January 31, 2026

Crowds of people gathered in Minnesota State Capitol as part of the national “No Kings” day of protes

General

Minneapolis protesters still waiting for payments

Protestors are still waiting for their payments for the No Kings Day protests. Uncertainty regarding overtime and hourly rates believed to be cause of delay.

By Eli Twonk

January 29, 2026January 29, 2026