There were reports of an enormous turd bobbing about in the Thames last week. The river is known for sewage releases but even river sewage experts were in awe.
Russell Brand is now embracing Christianity in search of a faith will give him the greatest social media response. Last week he chose to be very publicly baptised in the Thames. Most people are content to have this done in a church.
Brand was very low key and treated this solemn ritual with the grace and dignity that was appropriate by splurging it all over social media.
Onlookers who were unaware of the event reported an enormous hairy turd floating in the river. An expert on sewage in rivers, Therese Coffey, posted that she was in awe, “I managed to oversee a lot of turds in rivers, but nothing on this scale”. She was disappointed to learn that it wasn’t a proper turd but consoled herself with, “I’m sure he still counts as excrement”.
Therese Coffey was the former Minister for Maximising Pollution, and for berating river swimmers complaining about sewage with, “They’re just turds. Swim around them”.