As the famous University of Life starts the journey to become a recognised education establishment they are reviewing previous degrees handed out over the years.
Famous for it’s relaxed attitude to ability, attainment and aptitude, the well known University was happy to award degrees to anyone who said they went there. Popular degrees were racism, misogyny, xenophobia, stupidity, lying and being a bit of a twat.
With the realisation that they have good brand awareness the decision has been made that they need to formalise the attainment requirements before permitting people to claim they are graduates. While there are still no formal lectures they have produced a list of benchmark abilities that people need to have before they can claim to have been students.
These include counting up to twenty without taking their socks off, reading a tabloid newspaper article without moving their lips, able to differentiate between their arse and their elbow, disagree with people without hitting them and able to go for three days without lying or making stuff up and claiming they are victims. Most importantly they should not be twats.
Various Alumni (that’s former students for those of you who aren’t good with University jargon) including Lee Anderson MP, Jeremy Clarkson, Andrew Tate, Nigel Farrage and many others have been asked to refrain from saying that they attended the University.