How to be annoying on your local Facebook group

Nearly every village, town or city has a Facebook group for locals to use. There are some tried and trusted ways to get the maximum number of eyes rolling. Most will be too irritated to respond.

The local Facebook group will have been set-up by some self-appointed older folk who feel they are the stewards of what makes it a special place. One absolute guarantee is that no-one posting on it will have checked whether anyone else has posted the exact same comment within the last week. This creates the parrot echo chamber effect common to most local Facebook groups.

Recommendations on best Chinese/Indian/TexMex takeaway

These need to be posted every week. They will of course get lots of responses from family and friends of particular takeaways. People will invariably recommend the one nearest to them because they couldn’t be bothered to try anything else. People will also fail to notice that many of them taste exactly the same because all the takeaways get the same sauces and mixes from the same wholesalers.

Sharing food hygiene rating information on call outs for best takeaway recommendations

Anyone who cares about their health will look at the food hygiene rating of places they plan to have food from. For most people on Facebook going on about their favourite takeaway won’t know or care about food hygiene. If you post a link to the appalling food hygiene report they are likely to take it as a personal affront and go on about how they’ve not suffered yet.

Any electricians/plumbers/plasterers available tomorrow?

Anyone who has tried to get a good quality tradesman to do a job recently knows you have to plan and book well in advance. Asking for someone the next day just means lack of planning. The only tradesmen spare on a day or two notice will be the dodgy ones. If the tradesman has time to waste looking on Facebook for jobs you have to wonder why they have time on their hands.

Many people will be using tradesmen they know and trust to do a good job at two months notice. Are they really going to share those names so they become even busier and harder to book with?

Taxi company to take family to airport tomorrow?

You have left it until now and you expect people to ring around and find a taxi for you, dream on. They expect the people in the taxi dispatch office to be trawling the local Facebook looking for jobs. Do what any normal person would do an look up local taxi companies and call them.

Post notifications of any local planning permission notices

Doesn’t matter what it is, you are guaranteed to get somebody moaning. You should get someone complaining that they shouldn’t be building X they should be building more toilets, shoe shops, cinemas, affordable housing, bookshops or petrol stations. All these will be from people stuck in the 1970s when these were viable businesses.

These people will be under the misapprehension that when they moan on Facebook the people in charge of these developments will notice, and when they don’t, complain that no-one is listening to them.

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