A glass cup and saucer containing a yellow liquid. Tea leaves in the saucer and on the table around it.

Scientists: replacing coffee with green tea reduces will to live

A team from Utrecht demonstrated that replacing morning coffee with green tea reduced the will to live by 85%. Is there no end to the barbarity of scientists?

In a disturbing experiment, 56 subjects were studied as their morning coffee was replaced with a green tea infusion that looked like somebody had pissed in their cups. After one week several did comment that they would rather drink piss as long as it came from someone who drank coffee.

The study director, Prof Isient Psyclist, admitted that he did struggle to get ethical permission for the study. The withdrawal period had to be reduced from four weeks to two. A member of the Ethical Panel had threatened that if Psyclist came any where near her coffee she would rip his face off and turn it into an origami frog.

The study had originally aimed to recruit 100 volunteers, but only managed 56. This required large financial inducements.

After the two weeks many subjects were lethargic and miserable. Some seemed resigned to passing away in the hope of coffee in the afterlife. They all professed deep hatred for Psyclist.

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