The Conservatives suffered two defeats in the by-elections yesterday. Labour took Selby and Ainsty, and the Liberal Democrats won the Somerton and Frome by-election by more than 11,000 votes. The Tories are upbeat as they blame everybody except themselves.
The spectacular losses have been analysed and the Conservatives now understand it is everybody else’s fault but definitely nothing to do with them. They absolutely deny that 13 years of austerity, making sure that their chums and the other top 5% get richer, forcing increasing poverty onto public sector workers, crashing the economy last year severely impacting mortgage holders, blowing billions in Covid contracts, presiding over record inflation and generally messing things up were factors affecting in their election defeats.
They have managed to find who is to blame, and it’s quite a long list. Their analysts have identified: Harry & Meghan, woke people, Ukraine war, the EU, Covid-19, homeless people, hungry kids wanting food, immigrants coming in on boats, the European Court of Human Rights, Just Stop Oil protesters, Coutts Bank, anyone who eats tofu, Surfers for Action (it’s just a turd, swim round it), the heatwave in Europe, doctors, nurses, dentists, the LGBTQ community, the BBC, Jeremy Corbyn, Tony Blair, Harold Wilson, remoaners and farmers.
A Tory spokesman said, “if they weren’t all complaining about this and that everyone would agree we are doing a great job and vote for us. Ungrateful bastards”. He did mention that they had left vegans, vegetarians, fruitarians, Gary Neville, Carol Vorderman and Marcus Rashford off the list. They’ll be adding that on later.