Thérèse Coffey (Minister for Pollution) has come up with a four point plan to deal with the sewage problem by tackling it at the source. The toilet tax is coming. Vegans are also part of the problem with their unnaturally firm turds.
The persistent problem of sewage contaminating UK rivers and lakes has been a steadily growing problem for the water companies and for successive environment ministers. Thérèse Coffey doesn’t really see it as a problem. She’s believed to have said to open water swimmers, “So. There are turds in the rivers. How big are these turds? Swim round them you lazy gits”.
“How big are these turds? Swim round them you lazy gits”
Finally she has snapped and sprung into action with the supposed statement, “I’m getting fed up with all the whining and moaning. They want action? I’ll give them fucking action”.
Too many toilets
As toilets are the entry point in to the sewage system, having fewer will mean less sewage. Thérèse has announced that all public toilets must close and be converted to something useful such as vape shops or nail bars.
There will be a penalty of a 50% rise in Council Tax for every additional toilet that houses have. More than one toilet per house is just lefty woke nonsense.
Civil rights activists have already condemned this as a Toilet Tax. The pressure group Freedom to Dump has issued a statement condemning the Toilet Tax, “Households are often pressure to provide for the toilet needs of everyone. All it takes is a teenager spending ages on the toilet playing on their phone to cause extreme bladder and bowel discomfort for other people in the house”.
Planning Law change
Planning requirements for people designing spaces such as offices, community buildings and commercial spaces will no longer require them to provide toilet facilities. Thérèse commented, “This is a war on waste and I am determined to win it”.
Reducing excrement
To really tackle the issue an important part of the plan is to reduce the volume of excrement and it’s consistency. Experts at Deafra now understand the correlation between increased sewage release and rising rates of people with vegetarian and vegan diets. “It’s not really surprising that the high fibre diets of vegetarians and vegans is causing problems. Unnaturally firm vegan turds resulting from too much fibre causes damage to the sewage system, and they stay intact when they get out into the river causing alarm to river users”.
Unnaturally firm vegan turds resulting from too much fibre causes damage to the sewage system
To tackle this she is introducing a Fibre Tax on foods that contain too much fibre. When asked what level of fibre a food needs to contain to be taxable, “Anything that contains more fibre than a Mars bar is taxable. I like Mars bars”.
Image licensed under the Open Government Licence version 1.0