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Ladies, is your muff up to snuff?

Are you taking care of your vaginal wellness? Obviously lots of you aren’t as companies have had to step up with a range of products and treatments to rectify the situation.

Industry fufu expert Dr Kitty Bean has been beavering away investigating how women look after their fannies (note to Americans, fanny does not mean arse, and it is arse not ass), and has been horrified at the level of coochie neglect. Astoundingly many spend less than tuppence a week on their kitties.

For millions of years female hominids have had to make do the natural self-cleaning process. The old normal vaginal discharge, made up of water and normal bacteria, in most women. Relying on the legacy natural method of keeping vaginas clean by continuous removal of dead cells from the vaginal linIng was fine for cave women. Modern women should really do better.

This neglect has forced companies to help with your minge anxiety. Now there are a loads of products including Kiehl’s 96-hour vulva “freshener”, Dove’s “intimate” deodorant, muff-specific moisturizers, crotch-brightening creams, sprays to make your vaj smell like bergamot and supplements to sweeten your lady juices. Yummy.

For those afflicted with a snatch that looks like a badly made donner kebab, there are popular procedures that your friendly neighbourhood cosmetic surgeon can offer. How about Ozempic vulva fat grafting, labial lip filler or boxtox for that perfect bajingo? There is also the option of trimming the labia, also called “designer vagina”. This is increasingly popular with the number of procedures increasing about 37% since 2016.

Now there is no excuse for a dismal box.

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Excruciata Reees-Mog

A sophisticated woman from a prominent family living her best life when she can get the staff to look after her house and grounds. With all her travel she has a very large carbon footprint. She is working on it and hopes to double it in 2024. Has a brother she calls Jakey

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