From the seasonal classic of when is gran going to fart, to how many drinks before uncle starts coming out with racist jokes. So much to look forward to. Have a merry Christmas.
For many families it is one of the few times a year when they gather round for a meal. For the mum who is doing most of the cooking she has sworn that she will stay chill this year, even when cousin Eric informs her for the sixth year running that he doesn’t like sprouts, and she points to the chalk board where she has written it to reassure him that she can remember.
She will also smile when Uncle Frank comes out with the same old double entendres; ‘I love succulent breast’, ‘I fancy a bit of dark meat’, and ‘how long will it take after you put it in?’. Internally she is thinking of other uses for the turkey baster, but shuddering at the thought he might enjoy it.
Gran arrives grumbling about the traffic (there wasn’t any), then asks for a blanket as it’s so cold (currently 26C), she then asks for a cup of tea and proceeds to inform her how to make it – which is the same as the thousands of other times.
Gathered around the table the fun can begin. How long before the niece wrinkles up her nose and does the affected wafting off her hands when the cover is taken off the pot with the sprouts in? Will the vegetarian son do his usual comments about the dead bodies on the table dripping blood? The Christmas crackers gives uncle Frank to deliver his seasonal, “just yank on the end until it goes pop”. What a guy!
The bets are on for when Gran will start farting, and who she will blame it on. Last year she blamed the dog again forgetting it had died two months earlier, and made the children cry. At some point in the evening Gran will come out with how her aunt Edna did a proper Christmas feast for all family and how things aren’t as good as they used to be.
Last year Frank managed to get to dessert before he started sliding in to racist comments. Her daughter has brought her boyfriend, Jaghpal, to join them so this year should be cringe. They have warned him about his racist banter and how he insists he has Indian friends and they don’t mind. Jaghpal’s dad knows some of the people Frank works with and they all avoid him because he is a turd.
Enjoy your Christmas however you spend it.