Excruciata Reees-Mog provides etiquette guidance for young ladies in the modern world, and answers the important questions such as spit or swallow.
Hello my lovelies. It has become apparent that many young ladies are in need of etiquette guidance. I only know a few people who you might consider to be from the toiling masses. My assistant, Sandra, with her tales of what she gets up to with her friends gives me an idea of the world young ladies live in today. I have already provided etiquette guidance for eating fast foods, but I need to go further.
Buying drinks at the bar
There are many types of bar. There is the sophisticated hotel bar where the bartender wears a jacket, the concert hall bar, the restaurant bar and the hostelry wear the bartender has tattoos and the men crowd around the bar spilling beer down their tee-shirts. A lady would never be seen in the latter. For the others it can be acceptable to buy your own drink but only if you have arrived early and unescorted. A lady arrives perfectly on time so should never need to buy a drink at the bar.
How to excuse yourself to visit the bathroom
I am often horrified when Sandra announces she is going for a crap/slash/whizz/dump/number 2 or any reference to the planned activity. No one ever needs to know what your toilet related plans are. It is not “telling it how it is”, it is being common. Just announce that you need to adjust your makeup or powder your nose. Simplicity.
Sitting in a chair
How can the basic skill of how to sit in a chair elude so many people?
One sits up straight in a chair with the legs, crossed at the ankles, and the feet underneath or to the side of the chair. Never lean back and never have your legs poking out.
Spit or swallow?
A lady never spits under any circumstances. If you are uncertain if you are going to like something thing then try it in private first with a bowl and a handkerchief ready. Then you know if you are ready to try it in public. This counts for oysters and cocks.
Hands on waists
Never put your hands on your waist unless you are happy for chaps to ask you ‘how much for a quickie’.
Don’t gush
There is a tendency for modern girls to gush. Babbling on about how amazing, incredible, awesome and fantastic things are. It’s very tiring. When someone admires my £200,000 kitchen refurbishment remember, I don’t care what others think. I know it’s good because I got a professional kitchen designer in. A casual ‘I like what you’ve done’, ‘it’s so much lighter ‘ or ‘you must give me the name of the designer ‘ will suffice.
Walking
It truly beggars belief that so many young ladies are incapable of this simple act. Clomping around landing on the heels staring at the ground. Ever seen those old films of young ladies walking with books on their heads? Try it. The chin is up, the back is straight with shoulders back and walking with the feet landing evenly on the ground. The pace is sedate which is correct.
Let us see if you can master these basic skills before I move onto the advanced etiquette.
Photo by Monstera: https://www.pexels.com/photo/thoughtful-black-girl-with-cutlery-in-hands-7114104/
