It’s that time of year when people start to panic buy presents for friends and family. They have spent the whole year not actually paying attention to what their friend/partner has said they like or are interested in. Fleetwood Mac came up in conversation so you bought them a CD. The conversation actually went ‘I’d rather sandpaper my ears off than listen to Feetwood Mac’. These are the gifts to watch out for to tell they don’t know or care what you like.
Belly Button Lint Brush
Nothing screams desperation more than this ‘whacky’ gift. Once you’ve added postage onto this the only person who will find this amusing is the person who made this pointless tat.
Lightsaber Chopsticks
Fine for a five year old, but if the recipient is over 16 years old it is going to be sad. It isn’t quirky and it certainly isn’t cool. However it a good test of how well they can say ‘that’s nice’ as they unwrap it hoping to find something classy and finding this shit.
Mini Polaroid Camera
It doesn’t even take photos! It’s a mini replica to clutter up a keychain. I would be weeping if anyone bought me this. The £10 spent on this would be better spent on a voucher….
Experience vouchers for some random activity
Do you actually remember having a drunken conversation with someone about how you would both love to spend a wet day in Wales for a 30 second bunjee jump off a bridge in the middle of nowhere? This is more to do with your friend who is feeling that they are desperate to do something crazy before their life becomes a meaningless routine of eat-sleep-work.
Crafting With Cat Hair: Cute Handicrafts to Make With Your Cat
This is a contentious one. To any normal person the Idea of making things out of cat hair would be considered grounds for an insanity diagnosis. Buy this for the wrong person and they are likely to re-evaluate their friendship with you. However there are people who define their personality as ‘crazy cat person’. Chances are that they are already collecting cat hair to make quirky gifts. Do you really want to be enabling their cat obsession? The money spent on this is better spent talking them out for a tea and cake.
Buns of Glowry Tighten & Glow Smoothing Butt Polish
Most people shouldn’t know how dull and lifeless your arse looks, unless of course you spend a lot of time on the beach in a thong. Blokes, if you are buying this for a woman who is not your girlfriend or wife and you secretly fancy, do not add a suggestive comment about helping to rub it in. It is likely that your partner and friends all know you fancy her and are hoping you will snap out of it before you make a dick of yourself.
Wool Dryer Balls
Not many things scream “you are a boring person” much more than this. If you are thinking about buying someone this just grow a spine and tell to them that it’s time to have a friendship break and that you’ll contact them if you need someone to make up the numbers on the odds-and-ends table at your wedding. You don’t have to tell them you have no intention of getting married.
Shower Beer Holder
Blokes, we need to acknowledge that we can be difficult to buy presents for. If we have a hobby or interest we have probably bought all the things we need. The price of a season ticket for our favourite team is a bit expensive, and it’s the wrong time of year to buy one any way. So what to think if someone buys you one of these? If it’s one of your children or a nephew then bless them. At least they spent 10 seconds not fixated on what they want – assuming they chose it. If it’s from your partner – oh dear. You have become a fixture in the house that is not worth any time or consideration. Good luck with that.
Coffee/Cocktails Ding Ding Bell
The last word in present desperation. One ding for coffee, two dings for cocktails. If you end up with one of these, even as a stocking filler, it is time to move on.
An editorial decision has been decided not to provide links to purchase these online. They truly are the shittest presents and we don’t want to be associated with enabling these to be given as gifts.
Merry Christmas.