In an effort to understand why dogs like humans and arseholes some scientists did some serious research. People died during this study so pay attention. This is no joke!
Researchers at Crufts University and the Dalmatian Research institute embarked on a study to first work out which animals liked and ultimately loved humans. Initial work with large bears, crocodiles, tigers and lions revealed that the love relationship was one way only. They loved eating people. Unfortunately they lost a few administrators in this phase of the study. Their contribution to science will be forever remembered and the names of thingummybob and whats-his-face will live on.
Undaunted, they then focussed on domesticated animals. Most only seemed to respond to whether the person was giving out food such as cows and sheep. Goats were considered too evil to be included in the study.
Ultimately the candidate field was narrowed down to hamsters, guinea pigs, cats and dogs. While hamsters and guinea pigs were content to be petted and stroked they were found to have a tendency to wander off and wouldn’t come back when called. Cats were slightly better in that they did respond to being called. An expert analysed the facial expressions of cats when called and provided a translation.
“what the fuck do you want primate boy/girl”
By combining all the translations via a Murkchov meta analysis it was revealed that cats typically responded to being called by saying “what the fuck do you want primate boy/girl”.
Not much love there.
With their doey-eyed adoration, obvious eagerness to please, readiness to be trained and overall tolerance of even the shittiest of owner, the dog is the only animal that will love humans. This is lucky because there are a group of humans that feel that their identity and self-worth is defined by owning a dog or two. They usually have pictures of their dog on their phone and insist on boring people by showing them.
Other research has shown that dogs spend the most time of any animal licking and sniffing arses. Experts think that it is this lack of refinement and self–respect that enables them to spend time around people who like owning dogs.
An important message for dog owners came out of this work: no one gives a fuck about your dog and no one apart from you thinks they’re cute. It’s your obsession. Keep it to yourself.
Photo by Simona Kidrič: https://www.pexels.com/photo/medium-short-coated-white-dog-on-white-textile-2607544/