The performance by Sam Smith and Kim Petras at the 2023 Grammys has been condemned by many as a Satanic ritual broadcast into people’s homes. Satan is amused.
Sa Smith and Kim Petras’ performance of their single ‘Unholy’ was stylised with lot’s of red in the costumes and lighting, with Sam wearing a top hat with cute little horns. It was suggestive of soft porn with lots of whips and gyrating dancers.
American Conservatives and conspiracy theorists have condemned the performance as Satanic, an attack on Christianity and a tribute to Satan. Republican senator Ted (show me a bandwagon and. I’ll get on it) Cruz chimed in with “This is … evil”, while conservative commentator Liz Wheeler posted “… demons are teaching your kids to worship Satan”.
Another right wing pearl clutcher Matt Walsh commented “It’s not surprising to see a satanic ritual at the Grammys. Satanism is the worship of the self. Much of modern music is satanic in this sense”. People were coming out with that sort of crap around the time of Elvis Presley and rock-‘n’-roll.
A spokesman for the Church of Satan said it was “all right” and “nothing particularly special”.
A Satanic ritual expert commented “The Idea that this was a ritual is nonsense. Where was the pentagram? Where were the black candles? Where was the ritual sword? Where was the Grand Grimoire with the enchantment?”. I asked about goats and he mentioned that Satan doesn’t want any more goats and would prefer a nice Vindaloo – something he could appreciate.
To get to the bottom of this, and because my editor hates me, I was coerced into contacting his Satanic Majesty himself. As I can’t travel to Hell we arranged to meet in Coventry – hell on earth.
From a previous meeting with Satan I was better prepared with lots of absorbent pads in my pants. Voiding your bowels can leave difficult to explain stains. We get straight to it.
On whether it was a Satanic ritual – “Are you ‘aving a laugh? Where was the Vindaloo? Look my old China, I can never be summoned. Those idiots in cloaks with all the droning don’t get me. I just send a Demon with stick on horns. Maybe next time I’ll stick a top hat with horns on ’em”. His booming laugh works it’s magic on my bowels.
What’s with the cockney accent? “I just like it”.
Is Sam Smith one of your disciples? “Good grief no. I have no need of worshippers or people spreading my message. I have no message except be good or you spend eternity at my place. I don’t need to tempt people. Some people are just evil all on their own “.
How would you feel about Sam Smith going to Hell? “Well apart from being annoying there’s no reason that Sam would come to Hell. I’d be concerned that there’d be competition for the Vindaloo “.
How is Hell these days? “It’s hilarious. All these conspiracy idiots claiming it isn’t real and swearing it’s CGI. They soon change their tune after they’ve been disemboweled a few times”.