Satan has decided that the timing is right to write his memoir. He’s certain that it will not get as much negative exposure as another recent memoir. In a laconic quip he added ‘at least I’m not ginger “.
The market for memoirs has never been more bouyant with large numbers of people returning to bookshops and opting for physical books rather than the electronic offerings.
We meet for a chat in Coventry. Apparently it is the closest earthly equivalent to Hell.
One of the main themes he wants to tackle is how he is portrayed as evil. “G, in his infinite wisdom, gave Man free will. People decide what to do with it. If someone is being n arsehole take it up with their parents or G. It’s nothing to do with me.”. He takes great umbrage at being considered violent. “Look, a lot of people and animals died in a flood. Anyone remember who made that happen? Who’s the genocidal maniac in this picture?”. He wants people to think hard to come up with anything that he’d done bad. “That thing with Job came out of a bet with G. He was in on that. It was a bet between us.
All I am is the opposition. Check out my name which was originally ha-satan – The Opposer. All I did was argue with God about free will.
He wants to do a shout out to anyone worshipping him and doing sacrifices. “Enough with the goats. I am really not that keen on goats, especially raw goats. How about Lamb Jalfrezi for a change?”. Satan also mentioned that he has no interest in human sacrifices. “Even babies marinaded for a while don’t taste that great. If you can’t find an Indian takeaway pizza is also good, but if you put pineapple on it you will spend eternity in a very nasty part of Hell”. I was momentarily deafened by his booming laugh.
Apparently it’s mostly people who’ve been there for a few centuries complaining about the lack of respect from newer arrivals and how standards have slipped.
So what else will be in the memoir?
There’s a lot to put straight. “Much of what has been written about me was by Jewish scribes who really spent way too much time indoors. One of the worst was the Essenes, the Dead Sea scroll people. Anyone who didn’t agree with them was supposed to be under my command. Paranoid or what? They couldn’t cope with the idea that perfectly sane people might think they were a bit looney toon at times”.
We do have a bit of a problem with homophobes. Neither God or me wants them
What is Hell really like?
“Well there is no brimstone or pits of fire for a start. Why would I want that stink getting up my nose? Metaphysically it’s quite comfortable; wide open spaces and trees.”
That sounds a bit cushy I remark.
Satan looks at me with a twinkle which causes my sphincter muscles to go into strange spasms.
He explained that the space was managed so that everyone was closely penned in so no one could have any privacy. “They drive each other mad. Imagine being a Catholic priest who’d led a fairly quiet life being unable to get away from a ranting German bloke with a dodgy moustache and bad hair do.”.
people who whine ‘ I’ve got my demons’ annoy me. My demons have got better things to do with their time than go round telling people to drink too much or stick needles in their arms
Does everyone have an eternity of misery?
“Pretty much, although some have a lot of fun with it. Idi Amin is a bit of a lad winding up the the Deep South racists. They keep trying to lynch him but he just laughs at them. They aren’t very bright and take a while to figure out you can’t kill someone who’s already dead”.
“We do have a bit of a problem with homophobes. Neither God or me wants them. I’m all about inclusiveness but to be honest, they make my skin crawl”.
Anything that annoys you?
“It’s the little things. People saying ‘funny as Hell’. Hell is not funny, but they’ll find out….”
“Also, people who whine ‘ I’ve got my demons’ annoy me. My demons have got better things to do with their time than go round telling people to drink too much or stick needles in their arms. I know it sounds old fashioned but GET A SPINE AND SOME SELF-CONTROL”.
Satan indicates the interview is nearly over, but wants to finish on a few positive notes.
“For anyone feeling unloved and down, remember Satan always has a warm spot for you”.
“Eating your 5 a day of fruit is good for you”
Satan can be contacted on Mastodon https://universeodon.com/@s8n
Picture credit Thomas Lawrence’s Satan Summoning his Legions