Baldrick from the TV programme Blackadder
Baldrick from the TV programme Blackadder. A scruffy and dirty peasant character

Conservatives unveil new advisor to help with a cunning plan

Realising that they have had a few mis-steps with the election campaign so far, the new advisor is set to steer the Conservatives to election victory. The new advisor is reputed to be as cunning as a fox who’s just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University.

From the failure to look at the weather forecast before announcing the election in torrential rain outside Downing Street to the flip-flop National Service plan and then the Tory MPS who can not be bothered to get involved with the campaign, the Conservative campaign appears to be going the way of the Titanic. Unlike the Titanic which had an unfortunate encounter with an iceberg, the Conservatives are having an unfortunate encounter with themselves.

Luckily they have taken advice from the master of cunning plans to steer them into the clear blue waters.

For the televised debates Baldrick has advised that Sunak wear a clown outfit to show how fun he is compared to dreary Starmer. The clown routine worked for Boris so it’s a sure winner.

FREE TURNIPS!

The advisor has proposed that the Conservatives promise to give everyone a free turnip. Who doesn’t love a turnip.

There will be an announcement that a Space Academy will be created to take in and train up all the young adults to tidy up all the debris in orbit. One of the bonuses will be that their phones won’t get any signal and they will be really miserable.

The BBC will be stopped from making new programmes and will just run repeats of Alf Garnett, Fawlty Towers and That’s Life with the interesting shaped vegetables. Baldrick is a particularly fond of turnips shaped like a man’s….

The railways will get rid of electric and diesel trains, to be replaced by steam engines. Everybody loves a chuff-chuff and it will fit perfectly with the right-wing vision of taking Britain back to the 1950s with National Service, tired grey politicians and subservience where people just stop complaining and do what they’re told.

How about competent management of the economy and policies led by evidence and intelligence? Baldrick pointed out that the Conservatives should focus on baby steps first.

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