Excruciata Reees-Mog gives her advice on the sticky topic of fishing for brown trout. She also explores the etiquette surrounding ass jazz.
Hello my lovelies. The other day one of the ladies (who I will not name) at the golf club took me to one side and quietly asked me what I thought of nudging the fudge. I looked bemused. “You know. Packing the trunk. Off roading. Rump roast. Bunghole surfing.” Sensing my lack of comprehension she whispered, “anal sex”.
I assured her that as much as I liked her I didn’t think we were that close, and that neither of us was well equipped. When Samantha Bilding-Joyst laughs it has an unsettling resemblance to a very large drain emptying.
The proposition
It turns out that she has been having an affair with one of the stable lads (quite a strapping young man with a wonderful strong jaw) and he has suggested that they try the choo choo of doo doo. She had never tried anything like that before and wondered what I thought. I did enquire why she thought I would know anything. “Well you have a bit of a reputation for being a bit ‘out there’. You did bring chilli jam and turkey the Christmas hunt, so are obviously worldly.
After I put her straight on the chilli jam (never send a man to buy cranberry sauce) I assured her that I was not worldly in that practice. As I like to think I can give advice I needed to find out more. I assured Samantha I would get back to her.
The investigation
Where do you go when you need information related to sex? Anyone born in the country knows that stable girls are the go to source for anything romping related. The girls in the Faltringham stables had a particular reputation for being rapacious. I know my husband has rolled in the hay with two of them.
The next day I took a canter down on the pretext of arranging to get my horse shod the next time their blacksmith was in. Round the back of the stables I found Tanya and Julie smoking. I knew there was no use being subtle so I just asked straight out what they knew about anal and had they tried it.
Turns out Tanya had tried it. Her advice; start small, lots of lube and condoms. Sounds straight forward. She recommended Wayne.
In for a penny
Well I did the deed with Wayne and as you can tell from the photo, it wasn’t for me. I hated it.
